Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts

Friday, April 12, 2013

Pre-Digital Age Cavemen 1 : Pre-Death Blockbuster Video

Blockbuster Video is seen as a joke these days, as the last refuge for anyone who doesn't know the magic words "Downloadable/Streaming Online Video".
(Even modern day pop culture like TV show True Blood is taking jabs at it, the latest show mocking their business practices.)

But before the Internet was widespread, kids of the 80s, now in their teens in the 90s, had no such luck when seeing video media. The Internet was choking on Real Media.
(Barely known now, but was a streaming technology used often for some of the first videos you could stream online.)

Be it for TV shows, movies, documentaries or..."documentaries on anatomy" (hint: "The Internet is for..."), the only choice was to go to the local video store and pay between (AUD)$1 to $7 for a video. If it was new it cost $7, having only a day to bring it back. If you were lucky and the video was old it was $3 with a week to return it. If you were late for returns? Expect your ability to rent frozen until fines were paid.)

And it gets better. If you go to before 1999, you didn't have streaming video services. You lacked Blu Ray. You didn't even get DVD. You had two options, one a flash in the pan with its existence.
LaserDisc or VCR cassette, AKA VHS tapes.
(LaserDisc dying almost as quickly as it arrived.)
So with the wide option of VHS tapes or...VHS tapes, we'd head off to the local video store for a big black rectangle of  plastic containing reels of magnetic tape. It's seen as bad resolution now, but it was fine for back then.

VHS tapes rarely had anything exciting. No extras. Only rare movies had widescreen.
(Most TVs were 4:3.)

But sadly one thing carried across since the 80s: The adverts.
In the beginning of pretty much every movie we paid to rent, adverts.
However, back then we got the one thing they deny us now.
The adverts could be fast-forwarded through.
(When was the last time you could skip or speed through ads on a DVD/BR rental?)


Back then I went to a local store called Focus Video. Dead now, but a good company while it lasted. Bought out by Blockbuster Video, the Internet was so small I had never heard of this new company.
(For a teen in the early days of the Internet, it wasn't as quick as now. No smartphones. No Twitter. No Wikipedia. No Google. Nothing helping the search yet. You had the Library, the phone book and slow PCs with screaming 56k modems running Windows 3.1.1 or Windows 95 in '96 and Windows 98 in '99.)

Much like McDonald's, Pizza Hut and many other American businesses, they had expanded into Australia to gauge their success. Blockbuster did pretty well, and even now in Australia, unlike the US headquarters, is still alive with many stores open.
(Although I don't know if they'll survive if the US H.Q pulls the plug.)


In the 90s I rented a lot of the VHS tapes from them as a teen. Picture your smartphone/tablet's book application that shows a shelf of book covers. Now imagine a large building (or small, depending on their success) filled with shelves of titles in a similar way, some shelved like books on a bookshelf, spine to you.

No download time, no broken streams, just get the box, collect the tape at the counter, pay, leave.
(And the one thing they have over DVD and BR discs: the discs get one small scratch, the film skips. You could hurl a VHS tape across a football field and STILL play it without a problem.)

(To be continued...)





Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Rename Game

Ah, renamed movies.

We're all familiar with at least one. The best known one among horror fans at least: BRAINDEAD.
Renamed as Dead Alive in the U.S, it was harmless enough, but prompted much head scratching in the Australasia region.

 
 Same movie, changed titles. Why? 


Why rename it? Was Brain Dead not obvious enough? Did we really need to hammer it home by simplifying a simple title?

"Hey Jeff, want to see "Brain Dead"?"
"Is that a new comedy?"
"Not sure. Let's see Hostel instead. That title sounds like a European road trip movie!"

But it gets even more ridiculous from here.

To get the elephant in the room out of the way, yes, the U.S had Mad Max 2 titled "The Road Warrior" when it's actually called Mad Max 2. And the re-dubbed Mad Max accents sucked. Mistakes made. Moving on!

 
 Differences? Only visually. On the posters. 


Four Christmases right? WRONG! Four Holidays. Holidays? Wait...presents...pine tree...stockings...oh yeah, because everyone brings THOSE on vacations....
 
 CHRISTMASES Holidays! Really! See the gift boxes suitcases? 



Ice Cube in XXX : State of the Union. Nope! The Suits in charge decided that no-one outside of the U.S paid attention to what a State of the Union address was, despite the film having one, so they renamed it.

 
 Oh the stupidity... 


XXX 2: The Next Level. The hell? When did this become a video game?! Next thing you know Ice Cube'll be stealing cars and blowing up city blocks randomly with an R.P.G, taking the cash from the collaterally damaged.

American Wedding? Again, changed. They decided that the wedding suits and the bride in the poster were obvious enough, but thought no-one would know who the hell these people were. End result?

       
 NO, REALLY?! They're from THAT series?! 


American Pie: The Wedding. Feeling insulted by the simplification yet? I know I am.
(They even increased the size of the supporting cast for the benefit of the retarded foreigners.)

Shrek The Final Chapter becomes...

 
   No Sh[REK], really?  

...Shrek Forever After. We know what the phrase FINAL CHAPTER means you Armani Suited dullards!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's The Rundown? Here's the Suits showing their intelligence:

 
 Oh for ROCK's sake... 


Welcome To The Jungle. Uh...Suits? You just renamed the movie after looking at the soundtrack for a second, didn't you?
(And the world DOES know what a rundown is. The new name comes off as cheesy, not to mention treating us like idiots. "LOOK! It's in a JUN-gle! JUN-gle!")

Oh but the best one is the Batman one. Batman Beyond, a brilliant animated series, was renamed with a real head-desker.

Batman Beyond becomes...

 
  I swear this isn't Photoshopped. 




...Batman of the Future.

Let that sink in.
And no, it's not just Germany and the rest of Europe. As proof, I offer the cover to the Playstation game!



A show, based in the future, with flying vehicles, technology use is rampant, Bruce Wayne is a grey haired grumpy old fart, and Alfred is likely dead.

Nooo, it MUST be present day Batman, surely. See? Bruce suits up and...



...oh wait, the villain handed Bruce's arse to him, and no, it's not Bane.
(Inque to be precise.)

Anyone who watches Batman Beyond and thinks it's based in a modern day setting needs to sign up for the short bus.

That was just a handful of renamed movies, the ones I could find at least. Here's hoping there's none left to be found, but hey. This IS Hollywood we're talking about.

Am I alone in thinking we all want to be treated like we're smart until proven stupid, and not the other way around?

Questions and comments below!
(And if you know more badly renamed movies, let me know about them and I'll do a follow up!)